WE ARE PREGNANT!

GETTING REAL

You guys! It’s been a minute. To say I’ve been MIA on here is like the understatement of the year. And for that, I apologize. Life definitely has been changing quickly around here ;-) and put the blog on the back burner for a bit. BUT here we are, ready to (re)start this bad boy. 

WE ARE  PREGNANT!!! I have been chomping at the bit to release this beautiful news into the world. It’s been so hard not being able to share it with everyone! To be honest, I’m really still in shock. It doesn't feel real yet. I am currently 18 weeks- almost halfway! Which also doesn't feel real. It’s surreal to think that we’ll be bringing a baby into this world in just a few short months. 

We found out I was pregnant together on November 2. We had just gotten home from a Saturday morning pilates sesh and Bryce was about to go golfing (shocker). I was only two days late, which wasn’t uncommon for my body, but I could just feel it. I knew I needed to take a test. Backstory- I had stopped taking tests for a few months at that point because the mental side of things was too much for me. I found myself slipping into a slight depression month after month so I completely removed the tests from my life. It wasn't healthy at that point. I was putting all of my hope and faith in a test rather than in God. Hopes would get up, thinking I would be pregnant each and every month, only to see another negative test. I couldn't do it anymore. Now, Bryce knowing this, respectfully asked if I was ready to take a test- he knew if it were to be negative, it would be a hard day for me. I can’t explain it, but I just knew I had to take one. I had a feeling. The connection to ones body is so unbelievable and fascinating to me! I grabbed a test and waited. Bryce walked into the bathroom and we just stared at each other for those three minutes, unsure of what the outcome would be. When ‘pregnant’ popped up, we literally could not believe it. Both of our jaws dropped.

Photos by: Ashton Steele

November 2, strangely enough, was exactly a year and two days to the date after we found out we were pregnant with our first baby. If you don’t know our story, my husband and I had a miscarriage at the end of 2018- we had found out we were pregnant then on October 31. Almost exactly the day, an entire year apart. INSANE, RIGHT. After realizing this, we both were just sort of awe-struck. We laughed at the unbelief of it and then we were just filled with straight joy. It really was a beautiful moment. All those months awaiting our time to come, I’d always imagined how I was going to tell Bryce we were pregnant again. I had this whole plan in my head, and of course, none of it happened the way I had envisioned. It was better. What we experienced together was magic. An exact year from the day we found out we were expecting in the beginning. We sat back in that moment to really soak in the underlining message we were both feeling: beauty from ashes. What was once a gut-wrenching season tied to our first experience of expecting a child, now became a completely new and beautiful one, all in a matter of minutes. We were reminded of God’s faithfulness in that moment. Of how good He really is and how we were finally walking into our victory. It was such a sweet and intimate time that I could have never imagined/created myself for us in that moment together. We are so thankful for that moment. Now, what came next, I wasn’t prepared for. 

Fear. The enemy’s main mantra to steal your joy. And boy, does he use it. Immediate fear filled every part of me after finding out our beautiful news. I remember looking at Bryce in the middle of our celebrating and asking if he thought we could be happy yet? What a line from the enemy himself if I have ever heard one. I allowed myself in that moment to give in to the voice- the voice of doubt that told me “there was no way I would have a successful pregnancy after my miscarriage. That my body just wasn’t capable of carrying a child full term.” LIES. We immediately started speaking LIFE over our baby and began trusting that this pregnancy was already in God’s hands. 

I’d always thought that when we found out again, I would be fine. Almost like I would be too distracted by the pregnancy itself to even have old wounds resurface? I’d be too happy celebrating our miracle that fear wouldn’t be an issue. Not the case. I have been struggling. I’M SCARED. Were halfway through and I’m still battling these thoughts. But, feelings aren’t factual. Let that sink in. They are either truths or lies. You just have to know how to decipher whether it is a truth or a lie. I feel scared, yes, but is that because of something actually putting me in danger or because of something I am creating in my own head? Get into your feelings and look at how you might be creating them. Your immediate feeling shouldn’t dictate how you respond to something. I had been letting our past experience dictate my current feelings towards this pregnancy. Our nature as humans is to feel. Feelings are good. But you must know how to decipher the feeling and pinpoint exactly where it is coming from. And that feeling for me was coming from fear.

Physically, this pregnancy has been amazing. No sickness, nausea, or really any symptoms at all. I have been very lucky. I have so much gratitude towards this pregnancy and for my body’s ability to become pregnant again. I am so thankful. Emotionally, this pregnancy has made me feel like a human punching bag. Continuing to stand back up after the punches and combat all the lies with the truth is honestly how I’ve survived these last 18 weeks so far. It’s a DAILY battle that I have to mentally and spiritually prepare myself for. Trying to surrender and release the fear that I didn’t even realize was still deep down has been a process. I’m still working on it, but I won’t let the enemy win. He cannot have my pregnancy and he cannot have our joy. 

Photos by: Ashton Steele

If you are where I am in life right now, or going through something similar, my prayer is that you won’t ever have to deal with negative thoughts and doubt. But I also want you to know that if you are, I am with you. It’s ok not to be ok. But don’t allow those feelings to fester. I don’t want to sit here and act as though I haven’t been struggling or that this pregnancy has been perfect or easy. How can you pour into others if you are only sharing the positives? Have I been unbelievably blessed during this pregnancy? Yes. Have I struggled during this pregnancy? Yes. You can be both and THAT IS OK. I am thankful, I have gratitude and I am struggling. It’s a daily battle of surrendering myself and this pregnancy to God. I can’t control what happens in life, that is not my job. All I can control is how I pray, hope and believe and continue to combat the lies the enemy feeds me every morning I wake up. Fear has no place in our home and it is not welcome here. 

Now, to my mamas still waiting for their victory- hold on. I see you. I know what it’s like to long and pray for something so deeply and feel as though you will never see it. I know the feelings of pain, anger, sorrow and disappointment. Hold on. I also know my words wont help your situation. Encourage you, sure, that is my hope. But if anything, know that your waiting isn’t worthless. There’s purpose in this pain, so keep pushing. Keep pressing into your triumph and believing for your miracle. I am here for you and I am believing for you. His ways and His timing are truly perfect even though it doesn’t always seem that way. I can’t wait to celebrate with you during your perfect time.