BACK TO NATURAL

MY WELLNESS JOURNEY

Here it is. My (very long & still continuing) health journey. You ready for this? I’ve written this out about three times now and every time it’s about four pages long. Ya, I’m not trying to read four pages either so here is the cliffs notes version of my personal wellness journey and a little glimpse into why I began my natural living, mentally healthy approach towards life.

It all started in the eighth grade. I was going on my first mission trip to Mexico and was stoked to say the least. Long story short, I came back with a parasite. yay. The little guy stuck around for a while but eventually went away. What came after was where our story begins. I began having crazy stomach pains—excessive cramping, bathroom trips (yep, we went there), massive flare ups. you get the point. Something wasn’t right. I saw my doctor and he diagnosed me with IBS. He told me there really wasn’t anything he or I could do for it and I would just have to live with the discomfort. For those of you who don't know what IBS stands for, it means Irritable Bowel Syndrome. CUTE, RIGHT? You can imagine how happy I was about my new stellar news. Medication was given for when I felt stomach cramps/any pain coming on. They were supposed to help alleviate the pain. This went on for years—I would eat something, immediately get sick, start having cramps, pop some pills, then fall asleep and try to sleep off the pain. So, I found myself back at the doctor. More tests were ran—Chron’s disease, Ulcerative Colitis and gallbladder issues were all tested for. The final resolution was to remove my gallbladder to “see if that helped.” Neither I nor my parents were super eager to remove one of my organs just to see if it helped. 

Fast forward to college. We chose not to remove my gallbladder and I moved off to school. Hello freedom. With this new found freedom I found myself purposefully forgetting to take my medicine (sorry mom). Mainly because I was just so over pills/doctors in general and to be honest, they didn't even really help. Things started to shift. As strange as it sounds, I almost felt better off of my medication. I was having far less stomach issues and was just happier overall. My mood changed, my demeanor was different, things were looking up. I’m not going to lie to you—I still had episodes but they were less frequent. I started tracking my food and wrote down the foods that would effect me in a negative way. I called them my trigger foods. I knew to stay away from these. This is when I discovered how to listen to my body. This also sparked a nutrition interest in me. The idea that different foods could effect you in different ways was mind blowing to me. I had never been into nutrition before or really even had an idea of it. Honestly, the extent of my nutrition knowledge was the food pyramid that you learn in 3rd grade. I started diving more into nutrition and dieting. I started losing weight and I felt good. I was eating much healthier than I had been so of course my body was responding well to it. I lost around 15 pounds fairly quickly because let’s just say I was very well fed. After graduation my goal was to lose a few more pounds and tone up. I got a bit more strict and started implementing weight training and exercise and completely fell in love with the feeling of working out. 

This is where things took a turn in a very quick and negative way. Seeing my body completely changing was such a high for me. I began restricting calories and over training. I started feeding an addiction at this point rather than enjoying a healthy habit. I would eat around 600 calories a day and if I didn’t get a training session in, I was totally thrown off. My mind was consumed with how to burn more calories. I lost so much weight that friends and family were asking if I was ok. I was so mentally unhealthy that I took their words as compliments. I had no idea what they were talking about either. I looked in the mirror and saw fat. I couldn’t see what they saw. Body dysmorphia is real and it’s scary. You look in the mirror and see something completely different than what the rest of the world sees. I was living with an eating disorder and was dealing with a very unhealthy mental mindset. I completely denied having a disorder to myself and everyone around me. 

This went on for two years. I was destroying my body. I lost so much body fat that I completely lost my menstrual cycle. Honestly, I didn’t think anything of it. I just wanted to be ‘skinny’. I didn’t realize the effects it would have on my body in the future. I had just met Bryce at this point. We began dating and he had no idea I was struggling with an eating disorder. I never would have revealed something like that to him so early in the relationship and I honestly still hadn’t realized it myself. The weekends I would go visit Bryce were my binge weekends. I ate anything I wanted then would get back home and starve myself for the entire week because of the guilt from eating. I spoke so negatively over myself and my body that I just felt disgusting. I would overtrain so intensely when I would get back, hoping to burn even more calories than I consumed over the weekend. 

I vividly remember the day Bryce told me I was too skinny. I took it as a compliment at first but his words resonated with me. I was shocked and honestly so confused. My life had become consumed around looking a certain way for him. I racked my brain to figure out what I needed to do to in order to look the way I thought Bryce would want me to. My entire identity had become focused around changing myself to try and fit this imaginary mold that I had made up in my own mind. This is when I started to realize I had a problem. He had no idea I was struggling with any of this, and no, he never told me to look a certain way. This went on for really the entirety of our dating relationship. We did long distance the entire time so he really never saw me at home when I wasn't eating/over training. 

Fast forward to married life. Bryce now knew about my eating disorder. I was at the gynecologist for my annual appointment. After discussing my serious weight issue and lack of period for two years he quickly put things into perspective for me: gain weight. I left his office with what felt like a massive hole in my chest. Those were the last words I ever wanted to hear. It took me a few months to even come around to the idea of actually taking steps to gaining weight back. Bryce was so supportive through the entire process. The mental factor was the hardest part. My mental image of myself was already so destroyed that when I began to put weight back on it took such a toll on me. Gaining the weight itself was fairly easy and it happened a lot quicker than I imagined. I had been deprived for so long that once I began eating more, healthy of course, my body just stored everything I gave it. I found myself about 25 pounds heavier than I was when we got married and finally got my cycle back. I still remember calling Bryce the day I started my period. I had never been so ecstatic to start hahaha but it was such an answered prayer. 

Then the hard part began. I didn't recognize myself. I didn’t really know who I was with the new weight. For years my entire identity had been wrapped up in my outward appearance. I knew it was for the best but I felt disgusting. My view of myself was so distorted. I tried daily affirmations and tried to give myself grace but nothing worked. I didn’t feel beautiful or sexy for my husband and I felt like a failure. I couldn't identify with my new body. I would sit on my closet floor and just cry to Bryce when trying on clothes because nothing fit. I was finally at a healthy weight but just saw myself as fat. I kept resorting back to depriving myself. I immediately wanted the weight gone and that was how I knew to lose weight. It was a constant mind game—wanting to restrict my calories but wanting to maintain my new health.

Since starting my period back, my hormones were all over the place. My body had gone through major changes and very quickly. I just didn’t feel right. Blood work was done and the results came back: hypothyroidism. I’d never heard of thyroid issues before and let’s be real I didn’t know the thyroid was even a part of the body. I was a pre-k teacher, ok. I found myself tackling even more newness with my body. I wasn’t used to these new symptoms: tired all the time, always cold, sluggish. I just felt weak all the time. Workouts were impossible and I just wanted to sleep. I started researching how to naturally reverse thyroid issues- I’m a firm believer now in natural health and did not want to be put on medication. It took a solid year but I finally started to feel normal again. My hormones were finally balancing out. 

Which leads us here. I’m still adjusting to my new body. I don’t look how I feel I should in my head. But I know my head resorts back to the old me and I am not her anymore. I am healthy now and I am happy. My body has been through a lot and I have so much gratitude towards it. My body and I have overcome stomach issues, diseases, an eating disorder, body dysmorphia, negative self image and thyroid issues. I can look at food and have a healthy relationship with it. I can skip a workout and be just fine. I can finally live life to the fullest with no guilt or restrictions. I have come a very long way from where I began and I can sit here and tell you that I am proud of myself and my body. I am stronger than I ever have been because of my journey. I now know how to advocate for my body, what works best for me, how to give myself grace and how to love myself for me and not my appearance. It’s been a brutal process, I won’t lie, and none of it happened overnight. But I wouldn’t trade my story for the world. Because of it, I know who I am. I’ve learned so much about myself and discovered new interests I never would have known. 

I still have struggles—there are days when doubt creeps in but I’ve come to a place where I give grace now rather than speak negativity over myself. My body is mine and I will be proud of it. It has gotten me through the hardest struggles of my life. I choose daily to live a natural, positive and mentally healthy approach towards life and what I put in my body. I want to use this space to share with you everything I’ve learned and continue to learn through my wellness journey. What foods I fuel myself with now, self-affirmations, encouragement to overcome that voice in your head saying you’re not good enough…My hope is that you feel encouraged through this space and know that you are worthy, you have purpose and you are loved. You are more than what you’re battling and once you overcome the lies you’ve been believing, an entire exciting journey of new self-discovery lies before you. And I can't wait for you to find it.